Category Archives: Musings

The Secret World of Alex Mack (or how media made my childhood easier)

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When I was growing up there was this show called The Secret World of Alex Mack. It was a tween-oriented series centred around a girl (Alex Mack) who was accidentally covered in this industrial goop and developed weird powers. Like most shows of the time, the target audience was gender neutral and included an opposite-gender best friend. Every time someone asks me how it is I had very few problems with gender growing up I point to this show because it’s such a perfect example of the slightly odd period of the mid-90s I grew up in.

Note that Alex wasn’t meant to be a tomboy, she’s an average girl in a suburban town. Who happened to dress not that differently from me.

Still image from Alex Mack with Alex in the foreground. She is a white adolescent girl with dark blonde hair that falls just past her shoulders. She is wearing a loose green t-shirt, a grey newsboy cap worn backwards, and a necklace consisting of a black cord suspending an unidentifiable grey item. Behind her is a black boy around her age and dressed in a red t-shirt that fits similarly to Alex's.

Alex got a little more traditionally feminine as she got older (and cultural norms shifted), but particularly early on the girly girls were portrayed as slightly different from ‘normal’.

Two adolescent girls standing next to each other. The girl on the left wears a black, low cut, spaghetti strap top and black choker. The girl on the right is Alex Mack, wearing a loose-fitting, red plaid shirt and brown beanie.

It wasn’t just Alex Mack either, most of the media I grew up on featured boys and girls that weren’t that different from each other. See: the abundance of flannel even on the very much teenage girls Angela Chase and Rayanne Graff from My So-Called Life, particularly when contrasted with Sharon Cherski, Angela’s childhood friend.

Two white, adolescent girls facing the camera. The girl on the left wears an oversized grey knit vest over a baggy black long-sleeved top. She has straight, shoulder length, dark red hair. The girl on the right wears an oversized plaid shirt.

A portrait of a white teen girl with brown hair. The girl's hair is shoulder length with a square fringe and is styled with the sides tied back. She wears light makeup, earrings, and a fitted floral dress with lace detail at the neckline.

Back to Sherwood and The Adventures of Shirley Holmes were also favourites of mine, but they weren’t nearly as popular and are therefore difficult to find images for. Are You Afraid of the Dark? always featured at least one tween girl in a backwards ball cap and ripped jeans.

A black tween girl sits making a 'thumbs up' gesture with her right hand. She is wearing a backwards baseball cap, a denim 'letterman' style jacket, and a white t-shirt.

The thing I think a lot of people forget is that the late 90s US was still very much inspired by grunge. Teen and tween clothes were largely baggy, shapeless, and hobo-like. It’s not something I enjoy now, but as a child it meant that there was no pressure to dress like a Spice Girl because no girls dressed like that. It wasn’t until I was in the latter half of high school that the fashion influences of pop music really started hitting California. Before that girls may have wanted to look like Britney Spears, but no school and very few parents would have allowed it even assuming they could find the clothes.

In contrast, most of the kids I know now watch things like The Haunted Hathaways

A promotional image for The Haunted Hathaways. On the left are a black man in shirt, vest, and tie, and two black boys in semi-formal clothing. They are outlined by a glow denoting their ghostly status. On the right are a white woman and two white girls. The older of the two girls wears a fitted, floral print top with a ruffled bottom and cap sleeves, as well as form-fitting black trousers. The younger girl wears a fitted, purple and white striped cap sleeve shirt with a fitted, light grey vest over.

Or Good Luck Charlie

A promotional image for Good Luck Charlie. A white family consisting of a teenage boy, a teenage girl, a woman holding a toddler girl, a man, and a tween boy face the camera as if for a family portrait. The teenage girl wears a form fitting purple peasant blouse with 3/4 sleeves and form-fitting jeans. The teenage boy wears a loose black blazer, white t-shirt, and jeans.

Or A.N.T. Farm

A promotional image for A.N.T Farm. From left to right, a white girl, white boy, black girl, second white girl, and black boy stand facing the camera with their arms around each other. They are all approximately 11 to 14 years old. The first white girl wears a form fitting white tank top, a leopard print corset top, a long knit vest, skinny jeans, and brown boots. Her blonde hair is curled and styled and she wears light makeup. The black girl wears a white tunic top, loosely knotted black tie, red leggings, and yellow Doc Marten boots laced only halfway. Her hair is straightened and her eyebrows shaped. The second white girl wears a pink top with floral and lace detailing, aqua blue skinny jeans, and light blue converse-style sneakers. Her mid-length blonde hair is curled and held back with a narrow pink headband. The boys both wear relaxed fit jeans, loose t-shirts, and dark sneakers. The black boy also wears an athletic jacket.

Even shows like Liv and Maddie feature a tomboy who would have been considered girly when I was growing up.

A promotional image featuring the same white actress posing as two different characters on opposite sides of a pillar. On the left, she wears a form-fitting, light blue, long-sleeved top, dark skinny jeans, and square-framed glasses. The top is moderately low cut, falls to just at her waistline, and has semi-sheer sleeves. Her blonde hair is pulled back into a loose ponytail. Her makeup is light, but visible to those who know that lips are not naturally glossy. She is posed with one hand on her hip. On the right, she wears a flounced white top with ruffled cap sleeves, a thin belt around her waist over the top, and bright blue opaque tights. Her blonde hair is curled and styled. Her makeup is more obvious than on the left, but still subtle. She is posed with one foot kicked up and wrist flexed, as in a Betty Boop cartoon.

I can’t imagine being a little trans guy right now. All of the girls on TV and in movies seem to be these perfectly coiffed, slender beauties who need some sort of frill or pastel to be fully dressed. Yeah, I probably would’ve realised sooner if this is what I had to go off of, but I also would have been miserable for many years because there is no way I could have come out to my parents.

An Ode to Black

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Summer seems like an odd time to remember a love of black, but hear me out.

Black is slimming. Which is not important to everyone, but think for a moment about two of the biggest issues trans guys have: breasts and hips. Even a simple black t-shirt will mask breasts and hips better than a t-shirt of another colour. A black vest/waistcoat is even better.

Black is lengthening. This is actually true of any monochrome ensemble, but it works best with black. Put on a button front shirt, a black vest, and black trousers. You will look slimmer, taller, and less curvy. Try the same thing with a black t-shirt and black trousers. It won’t remove as much of the curve (vests really are amazing for that), but the rest will still apply.

Black is versatile. It can be both formal and casual depending on what you’re wearing and how you accessorise it. Even a button front shirt, vest, and trousers can be dressed up or down. (I had to wear this basically every day for years, trust me. You can do a lot with accessories.)

Black can be cool in summer if you pick the right fabrics. 100% natural fibres are your friend. Personally, I still won’t wear all black in summer unless forced because I think it looks stifling. I’ve had to before though and sticking with cottons and linens makes it bearable even in 100+ degrees (F) with humidity. Avoid poly blends like the plague because they don’t breathe and make life hell. If you can find black on black seersucker snatch it up. You’d be amazed at how cooling black is when it’s black seersucker.

Basically black is awesome. Fitted black is a trans guy’s dream. A well-fitting, all black outfit is flattering on damned near everyone. The only times I’d say to avoid it are weddings (sends a message of disapproval) and conservative job interviews (I’d add a subtle pinstripe and white shirt to soften the look up a bit). Maybe the beach, but even there you could get away with black board shorts and a fitted black t-shirt.

Words and Identity

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March is kind of an interesting time for me, transition history wise. It’s the month I got my legal name change (both times), the month I started T, the month I switched to injections, and the month I brought up my gender issues to my therapist. Because of that I end up thinking about transition this time of year even though I’ve hit a point where it’s mostly not a day to day issue.

At the moment that means thinking about an exercise my therapist had me do when I first started looking at transitioning. She had me write down every ‘female-gendered’ term I could think of and then whether or not I identified with it. A fairly easy sounding task, but surprisingly difficult when you’re still a bit confused and unsure of yourself.

Looking back, not too much has changed. It is interesting, though, which words caused a larger response. Girl wasn’t a word I could place either way. Still don’t, really. I just don’t care. Woman was a definite “no way” and now is more of an “eh, whatever”. Tomboy I detested and realised I didn’t identify with at all even though that’s what I’d resigned myself to years earlier. Wife will likely never be a word I’m comfortable with. Mija and mijita to this day cause larger dysphoria issues than anything else. I have more problems being called that than I do with not having a penis most days. Ma’am I hated then, but now has lost most all meaning. Miss I cannot stand, but it has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with it not being a word I’m accustomed to being used for anyone over twelve at the absolute oldest. Lady I didn’t identify with then and identify with even less now. Princess I think I will always hate. Diva I considered too feminine then, but now I take a certain amount of pride in it. Mother did and still does send “DO NOT WANT!” shivers down my spine. (Interestingly, I can’t identify with Father either, though it at least comes closer.) Mum/Mummy I surprisingly don’t have too much of an issue with other than thinking it’d be a bit weird, but Mom/Mommy and Dad/Daddy make me want to run away screaming. Daughter didn’t bother me then, but does now. (I’m not too comfortable with Son either.) Girlfriend has never been a word I particularly wanted associated with me. Aunt made me uncomfortable then, but now doesn’t cause much of a response outside of “WTF”. Sister I was 100% ok with then while now it feels…wrong.

Most of the changes I can attribute to simply becoming more secure in my identity. I still get misread about a quarter of the time and likely will for the foreseeable future. The men in my family simply don’t have very masculine features, I’ve gotten used to it. I had to learn to deal with being called “ma’am”, otherwise I’d spend a good portion of my life being angry at the world.

Other ones shifted in the opposite direction for much the same reason. I spent my entire life before transition with my main identity being “big sister”. I come from a large family and because my parents both worked long hours to ensure we lived in a neighbourhood with good schools (mostly for my benefit) I did a significant portion of the child rearing. Every time I was praised or punished by my parents some variation of “setting a good example” was mixed in. It wasn’t a gendered term to me when I was first coming out, just something I was. Now that I’m removed from that setting I have a much harder time with it.

I’m curious to know how much these will change as more time passes. I don’t know, for instance, how much of my objection to the parental terms is gender and how much is simply not having much of a desire to be a parent. I don’t really feel comfortable with any of them so I suspect it’s more to do with the role than the gender.